Meet General Nut

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, dogs, cats and people of all ages, the cow that flew over the moon is dead… the General killed it. Ummmm, how this happened is quite a tale. If you have the time and patience, I’ll get into it right away.. Any objections? …(*pauses for any response….None... ) Okay then, I’ll continue….

Once upon a time, in a city called Chennai, there was a guy whom we know as General Nut. General Nut hates going to work. In fact, it’s one of his worst nightmares. Well, you know how stories usually go… if you have a nightmare, it has gotta happen in the story and so it did in this story but in a more exaggerated, horrifying, macabre manner…(How could this be possible, you’ll ask. Well, be patient and I’ll get right to the answer in a moment.)

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( the moment arrives…..)…

.. General Nut had to go to WORK on a WEEKEND.. ARRRGGHHhHHHH!!!! (*this is an original General Nut groan that can be found for sale at any retail groan shop near you, for details please contact your local groan dealer....). The agony, the shock and the trauma experienced by General Nut was too much ( you can probably imagine how he looked that Saturday morning… Well, for those of you who lack imagination, here goes… He had blood shot bulging eyes, disheveled hair, a ruffled unbuttoned shirt and rabbit teeth with big Soda koopi black rimmed appachan spectacles… The coconut oil present in his hair could have been used to prepare a fish fry dish… (* the reasons for this generous application of coconut oil is often misunderstood. This habit dates back to the good old days, when the native malayalees had to create an icon for themselves amongst the foreigners they dwelt with. It was often done by those who wished to remember the fond memories of all the coconut trees present in their native land and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that coconut oil is good for the hair…)

… Well, back to the story…. On this horrible weekend, General Nut got ready and headed for work… He hadn’t had any breakfast… his original groan kept playing like a stuck tape recorder.. People stared…. But that’s what people always do .. especially on weekends.. They don’t really have much to do .. so they stare..

General Nut ripped through the ECR road which was the expressway of Chennai. The bike which ripped along with Him, was a black pulsar. His friend’s own. People love to give General Nut gifts when he groans.. It helps lessen the intensity of his groan… It looked like it would be a good day after all… but that’s when it happened… when things seem to be good, bad things always have to happen.. its like there is someone out there who has this sadistic sense of humor and wishes to keep those morose, morose and those happy, happy… If anything happened otherwise, it would create an unstable equilibrium that would lead to a global catastrophe which would again lead to the collapse of the entire planet and then the solar system and then the failure of the galaxy and finally the entire universe and all her sister parallel universes too…(*this discovery is also known as the SH!T HAPPENS theory..)…and so it HAPPENED…

Unknown to those around, the over-the-moon-jumping-cow has always been a great health nut. Before she jumps over the moon, the proverbial cow used to constantly perform her early morning exercises…. Hop- skip and jump.. hop – skip and jump.. Hop….---- skip---- and jump… and so on and on and on…. Well, on this particular Weekend, our over-the-moon-jumping-cow had been visiting her relatives… She had tried to teach her fellow moo-sters how to perform the remarkable feat of jumping over the moon…As she got carried away while performing the triple jump-over-the-moon event, she ended up landing on the ECR road and became the reason for the remarkable theory that we now know.. (*takes a moment of silence in respect for the cow who sacrificed her life to give us this remarkable theory which we already know is called as SH!T HAPPENS)….

Well, General Nut ended up screwing the black pulsar, his arm and the over-the-moon-jumping-cow… The over-the-moon-jumping-cow died peacefully while General Nut lived to see another day.. so did the pulsar… But in the mean while, horrible tales have been spread around saying that General Nut had something against the over-the-moon-jumping-cow.. But General Nut profusely rejects these rumours and says " It’s a conspiracy by all the cow-lovers to turn all My followers against me"… Well, that’s the tale of General Nut and how he screwed his cow.. errrr.. I mean hand….

General Nut has had many adventures in Chennai but as work beckons, i guess I'll have to leave it for another day.

P.S. - this blog is a product of an extremely bored mind. The author is not responsible for any crazy feelings, frustrations or stress-related injuries caused by reading this. The reader is solely responsible. Have a great day. Thank you.....